"ALF"
(page 7)

[ALF has to stay in the garage because Kate's mother is visiting]
ALF: Kate, there's no TV in here.
Kate: We'll let you use the portable TV.
ALF: The black and white one with the 1 inch screen? Good. I'll tape it to my eye.

[ALF is sitting on Willie's bed, and a burglar comes through the window]
ALF: [off-screen narrating] Then it happened. *He* came into my life. At first, I thought it was Santa Claus. Then it hit me, Santa probably wouldn't smell of cheap wine. Besides, he was beginning to fill his bag with things that didn't belong to him.
ALF: Can you take a little constructive criticism? What you're doing here is wrong.
Burglar: [examines ALF] Must be one of those talking dolls.
ALF: Oh, yeah? Ever had a talking doll rip out your voice box?

Willie: How long are you gonna keep this up?
ALF: Well, in the words of Porky Pig "tha-tha-tha-tha-That's all folks." Speaking of Porky, do I smell bacon?
Willie: No.
ALF: Well, I'd like to.

ALF: Back home on Melmac, I had a cousin, Pretty Boy Shumway. He was so mean, if he didn't like your looks,
[points at Willy, imitating machine gun sound]
ALF: ak-ak-ak-ak-ak.
Willie: You mean he'd shoot you if he didn't like how you looked?
ALF: No. He'd just point at you and go, "Ak-ak-ak-ak-ak."

Brian: Your name's really Gordon?
ALF: Yeah, Gordon.
Brian: That's funny.
ALF: It was my mother's maiden name, all right?

[ALF and Lynn are trying to get their parents to stop fighting]
ALF: To get a couple back together on Melmac, we'd recreate the happiest moment of their marriage.
Lynn: I wonder what Mom and Dad's happiest moment was.
ALF: The day they met me?
Lynn: Think again.
ALF: The day after they met me.
Lynn: Keep thinking.
ALF: I can't. My brain hurts.

ALF: We only have ten major organs, eight of which are stomachs.
Willie: I would have guessed all ten.

Kate: Don't break that remote.
ALF: Kate, have I ever broken anything?
[Kate stares at him]
ALF: Well, lately?
[pause]
ALF: This week?
[pause]
ALF: Today?
[pause]
ALF: Since breakfast?

Brian: You'll have to chew with your mouth closed tonight, ALF.
ALF: All right, but on my planet, that's considered very rude. People think you're hiding something.

[ALF has just squirted Willie with a squirting flower]
Willie: You amaze me. You're 229 years old and that's what you think is funny.

[ALF is trying to be a professional shrink and he's annoying Kate and Willie]
ALF: Speaking of aggravation, we've got to do something about Brian.
Kate: What's wrong with Brian?
ALF: He's been experiencing some negative stroking from Kate lately.
Kate: [in a sudden burst of anger] All right. That's it.
Willie: Calm down.
ALF: Stop ventilating.
Kate: I am not ventilating. I am talking.
[to Willie]
Kate: And I resent the implication that I'm having a negative effect on my son's outlook. Oh I give up. I give up.
ALF: You're letting out your emotions. Good. Now we can make some real progress.
Willie: And you are spouting out a lot of psychological clichés you don't even understand.
ALF: Why so hostile, Willie? I'm okay. You're okay.
Willie: This must stop.
ALF: That's right. A good scream. Let it fly.
Willie: You cannot keep aggravating people like this.
ALF: Why do you hate your mother?

Willie: Some people are so blinded by the thirst for money, that it causes them to lose their values and do things they shouldn't do.
ALF: Well, that explains Ghostbusters II.

ALF: If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it's run over by a car, you don't want it.

ALF: Kate, have I ever lied to you?
Kate: Yes. Several times.
ALF: I meant today.

[at the cat Lucky's funeral]
ALF: Where I'm from, this is ludicrous. It's like having a funeral for a hamburger.

[the cat Lucky has died and the Tanners are having a funeral for him]
ALF: I'm reminded of a prayer he used to recite every night before going to bed, "And if I die before I wake, chicken-fry me like a steak."

Willie: Go back to the tent.
ALF: It's too dangerous out there. I had to kill a fifty-foot snake with my pocketknife.
Willie: There are no fifty-foot water snakes in the backyard.
ALF: I'm telling ya, it was bright green and it spit water. Ths Ths
[spitting water sound]
ALF: ...
Willie: That was my new garden hose.
ALF: Oh, no wonder it was sucking on the spigot.

Brian: Do you get Sesame Street where you live?
ALF: No, and frankly I don't get it here either.

ALF: [slowly enters kitchen] The Great Orange hunter stalks his prey.
[opens fridge]
ALF: Ah, he sees it. The illusive loin of Pork the most prized catch in the refridgidary jungle. What's this?
[picks a note off the food and reads it]
ALF: "ALF don't eat this" Why would I eat this?
[throws away the note]
ALF: Ever so deftly the great orange hunter maneuvers his weapon. He strikes.
[as he does this an earthquake starts]
ALF: Whoa. Has the hunter angered the gods? Okay, I won't eat pork.

ALF: How about a hug for the ol' ALFer.