Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.
If my critics saw me walking over the Thames they would say it was because I couldn't swim.
Famous funny quotes and phrases
Doctors are the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.
If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
There are two things that are more difficult than making an after-dinner speech: climbing a wall which is leaning toward you and kissing a girl who is leaning away from you.