Funny quotes

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

Henny Youngman

2

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison — if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.

Milton Berle

1

I support gay marriage. I believe they have a right to be as miserable as the rest of us.

Kinky Friedman

1

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday'.

Steven Wright

1

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Steven Wright

1

I think of dieting, then I eat pizza.

Lara Stone

2

I have great faith in fools; self-confidence my friends call it.

Edgar Allan Poe

1

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.

Robert Frost

2

Never trust a husband too far, nor a bachelor too near.

Helen Rowland

2

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

Spike Milligan

1

Famous funny quotes and phrases

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

Samuel Johnson

1

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

Mitch Hedberg

2

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

Mae West

1

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.

Charles M. Schulz

1

I make it a rule never to smoke while I'm sleeping.

Mark Twain

2

Adolescence is just one big walking pimple.

Carol Burnett

1

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Groucho Marx

2

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

Rodney Dangerfield

2

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

Rodney Dangerfield

2

An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.

Irv Kupcinet

2
Random topics and author pages