Funny quotes

This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read.

Winston Churchill

1

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

Groucho Marx

1

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

Henny Youngman

1

Going to war without France is like going hunting without an accordion.

Norman Schwarzkopf

2

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.

Mark Twain

1

The early bird gets the worm. The early worm... gets eaten.

Norman Ralph Augustine

3

If my critics saw me walking over the Thames they would say it was because I couldn't swim.

Margaret Thatcher

1

Do you know what 'meteorologist' means in English? It means liar.

Lewis Black

1

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

Groucho Marx

3

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Groucho Marx

3

Famous funny quotes and phrases

High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.

Christopher Morley

1

Doctors are the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.

Anton Chekhov

1

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

Phyllis Diller

1

You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

Bob Hope

1

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

Andy Rooney

2

The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.

Arthur C. Clarke

1

If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.

Theodore Roosevelt

1

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

George Burns

1

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

Ellen DeGeneres

1

There are two things that are more difficult than making an after-dinner speech: climbing a wall which is leaning toward you and kissing a girl who is leaning away from you.

Winston Churchill

1
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