I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
We owe a lot to Thomas Edison — if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.
I support gay marriage. I believe they have a right to be as miserable as the rest of us.
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday'.
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.
Famous funny quotes and phrases
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.