"ALF"
(page 3)

Willie: Go back to the tent.
ALF: It's too dangerous out there. I had to kill a fifty-foot snake with my pocketknife.
Willie: There are no fifty-foot water snakes in the backyard.
ALF: I'm telling ya, it was bright green and it spit water. Ths Ths
[spitting water sound]
ALF: ...
Willie: That was my new garden hose.
ALF: Oh, no wonder it was sucking on the spigot.

[the cat Lucky has died and the Tanners are having a funeral for him]
ALF: I'm reminded of a prayer he used to recite every night before going to bed, "And if I die before I wake, chicken-fry me like a steak."

[at the cat Lucky's funeral]
ALF: Where I'm from, this is ludicrous. It's like having a funeral for a hamburger.

ALF: Kate, have I ever lied to you?
Kate: Yes. Several times.
ALF: I meant today.

[ALF is sitting on Willie's bed, and a burglar comes through the window]
ALF: [off-screen narrating] Then it happened. *He* came into my life. At first, I thought it was Santa Claus. Then it hit me, Santa probably wouldn't smell of cheap wine. Besides, he was beginning to fill his bag with things that didn't belong to him.
ALF: Can you take a little constructive criticism? What you're doing here is wrong.
Burglar: [examines ALF] Must be one of those talking dolls.
ALF: Oh, yeah? Ever had a talking doll rip out your voice box?

[ALF has to stay in the garage because Kate's mother is visiting]
ALF: Kate, there's no TV in here.
Kate: We'll let you use the portable TV.
ALF: The black and white one with the 1 inch screen? Good. I'll tape it to my eye.

ALF: And have you thought about what happens to me, when that "human babysitter" rummages trough my fridge?
Kate: What do you mean your fridge?
ALF: Okay its your fridge, but the fuzz in the meat door is mine.

ALF: Mind if I showed you a trick?
Kate: The last time you showed me a trick, it took three weeks for my eyebrows to grow back.
ALF: I told you not to lean in.

[the Tanners help ALF becoming a minister. They are asking him questions from Melmac's holy book]
Brian: What's is the kindest thing that you can do for someone else?
ALF: Burp down wind.
Willie: He's right. It says, "He who burps down wind can party with me any time."

ALF: I don't want to be an orphan. I saw "Annie." Orphans have to eat gruel and tap dance with mops.

Willie: This is a jigsaw puzzle.
ALF: It's broken.
Willie: That's the object, ALF. You're supposed to put it together.
ALF: Why? I didn't break it.

ALF: All right. Let me see if I've got this reindeer thing straight. There's... uh... there's Dasher, Dancer, Comet, Cupid... Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.
Lynn: No, it's Prancer, Dancer, Vixen, Blitzen...
ALF: Huey, Duey and Luey.
Brian: No, those are ducks.
ALF: Then how do they pull the sleigh?

Jake Ochmonek: What are you, anyway?
ALF: I'm an alien, from the planet Melmac. I have powers you can only dream of.
Jake Ochmonek: Like what?
ALF: Uhhhm... I can watch 10 hours of TV, without ever getting up to go to the bathroom.

ALF: Justice will not rest.
Kate: What if I gave justice a cookie?
ALF: Justice will think about it.

Kate: ALF, you can use the portable TV in the bedroom.
ALF: But it's too small. It makes everyone look like Danny DeVito.

Kate: Do you remember when you thought Mr. Littwak was building an atomic bomb in his basement?
ALF: It was an atomic bomb.
Willie: It was a pool heather.
ALF: Hah. The Littwak's don't even own a pool.
Kate: Yes, they do.
ALF: They do? Can we go over?

ALF: Like my old skeelball coach used to say: "Find something you're not good at, and then don't do it."

Willie: [to Kate about ALF] He's odd. Even for an alien.

Willie: I'm gonna have my hamburger medium.
ALF: Medium? They are all the same size. Extra large.

Trevor Ochmonek: Hey, Willie! Could we borrow some of your tools?
Willie: Sure. They're in your garage.