"ALF"
(page 3)
Kate: Willie, have you noticed that ALF's been acting rather strange lately?
Willie: Yeah, going on three years now.
Kate: No, I mean about last night when he apologized for every bad thing he's done since he got here. Alphabetically.
Willie: Oh. I got lost in between drain cloggage and drywall damage.
Kate: Then I guess you missed the part where he confessed to kidnapping the Lindbergh baby!
[Willie reacts, then there's a knock on the door.]
Trevor: Hey, Tanners! It's me!
Willie: Morning.
Trevor: Good morning. I'll take it.
Kate: Take what?
Trevor: Your house! [He holds up a sign he found on the front yard.]
Willie: [reading sign] House for sale? $4,000! You found that on our lawn?
Trevor: Yeah! I can let you have $100 up front if you'll finance the rest.
Willie: No. I mean, we're not selling the house.
Kate: Someone must've put that on our lawn as a kind of prank.
Trevor: Oh, too bad. This place would've made a nice summer home for me and Raquel.
ALF: If Lynn starts humming the "Battle Hymn of the Republic," I'm pulling the plug on this production!
[Willie is working on his car but bumps his head on the hood when ALF honks the horn]
ALF: Horn works!
Willie[sarcastic]: Thank you.
ALF: Why don't we just kill this thing for the insurance money? We'll make it look like an accident!
Army officer: Mrs. Tanner?
Kate: Yes, who are you?
Army officer: I am Captain Blackstone of the Alien Task Force, an adjunct of Edwards Air Force Base. Have you seen an alien with orange fur, three feet tall, with a big nose?
Kate: What would be done to the creature?
Army officer: Our usual tests. Intense heat, freezing cold, injections with different toxins, and finally, dissection.
Kate: Why don't you just rip its toenails off while you are at it?
Army officer: Oh yes, that too. Well, I am going to assume you do not know what I am talking about. Good day, Mrs. Tanner.
Kate: Sir, who told you that we saw space aliens?
Army officer: I am sorry M'aam but that is classified information. As such, the informant must remain ochmononek - I mean anonymous.
[Alf and Brian come out with two cans of something in their hand]
Kate: I said no soda pop.
Brian: It's not soda pop, it's beer.
ALF: [burps] You're about out of Coors!
Kate: What!? (grunts) Give those to me!
ALF: Hey, hey, careful his is still full!
Kate: What are you doing?
ALF: [with a sunlamp in front of his head] Oh, soaking up rays, Babe. Your sunlamp's not working. I've been sitting here for five hours, Nada.
Kate: Five hours? ALF, you're lucky you didn't get a sunburn.
ALF: [Kate touches him] Aaah!
Kate: Sorry.
ALF: Aah, oh, it hurts, it hurts.
Kate: Well, would you like some cold cream?
ALF: Yeah, but just one scoop, I'm on a diet.
Kate: It's for your nose.
ALF: That's where I'm trying to lose the weight.
Kate: ALF, I'm talking about cold cream. Not ice cream. Cold cream. You understand?
ALF: You're talking like they're two different things.
Kate: They *are*! Haven't you been listening?
ALF: What is this, healing through hollering?
Jake Ochmonek: Can't I stay with the Tanners? I'm allergic to Kitch.
Lynn: Go, enjoy. Drink the water. Adios!
Lynn: [giving ALF a haircut] ALF, hold still. I want to get it even.
ALF: Well, don't cut it too short. It'll look like I have a big schnoz.
Kate: I didn't realize you were so concerned with your appearance.
ALF: You think I wake up looking this good?
Kate: [doorbell rings] Doorbell.
ALF: Hide in the kitchen, ALF. Hah! Beat ya to it.
Lynn: Ahem. Two dollars, ALF. Pay up.
ALF: Two dollars? I didn't even get my medicure.
Lynn: Welcher!
ALF: That's it. I say we fight violence with violence. That's how we used to solve things back home.
Willie: But ALF, don't you remember what happened to your planet?
ALF: Well, it blew up in a nuclear holocaust. Why?
Willie: Don't you see the connection?
ALF: [pause] What connection?
Willie: I give up.
ALF: Me too. I'm gonna lay down. My head is spinning. Maybe a cold cream sundae.
ALF: Yo Kate, where do you keep your casserole dishes?
Kate: Why?
ALF: The cat won't fit in the toaster.
ALF: Hey, what's going on in here?
Willie: We're having a family meeting.
ALF: Oh I get it, freeze out the alien. I guess I'm not part of the family.
Kate: Uh ALF, we thought you were watching The 3 Stooges.
ALF: I turned it off. Somehow I just can't buy Shemp as a surgeon.
Brian: Curly was a senator once.
ALF: True, and Moe was Speaker of the House.
Willie: Could we put an end to the Stooge talk here for a minute?
ALF: Sootaintly, whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo, ha ha ha.
ALF: [Opens curtains] I decided to go outside and wait for the pizza, big mistake. [Window falls on his head, then his fingers, then ALF falls out the window]
ALF: [ALF almost kills Willie with the TV] Willie, it was an accident!
Willie: An accident? An accident? You almost killed me, and you say it was an accident?
ALF: Alright, let's call it a mistake!
ALF: Who said I'm gonna walk? I'm gonna drive my new Mercedes. What do you say? Burgundy with the tan interior.
Loading ...