"ALF"
(page 2)

[ALF has just squirted Willie with a squirting flower]
Willie: You amaze me. You're 229 years old and that's what you think is funny.

ALF: Back home on Melmac, I had a cousin, Pretty Boy Shumway. He was so mean, if he didn't like your looks,
[points at Willy, imitating machine gun sound]
ALF: ak-ak-ak-ak-ak.
Willie: You mean he'd shoot you if he didn't like how you looked?
ALF: No. He'd just point at you and go, "Ak-ak-ak-ak-ak."

Jake Ochmonek: Laura's very curious about her secret admirer, so I was thinking like actually saying something to her.
ALF: Danger, Will Robinson.

ALF: Trust me, I'll have her running trough the streets screaming your name. If the cops don't pick her up, she'll be yours.

[Kate refuses ALF to baby-sit Eric]
ALF: But why, why?
Kate: Why? Cause you're irresponsible. You trashed the living room, blew up the kitchen, wallpapered the shower...
ALF: It was a rhetorical question.

ALF: I'm a cursed Melmacian, I belong to the room of the goshdarned.
Kate: Goshdarned?
ALF: Ours was a polite society.

ALF: I hate musicals. Out of the blue people burst into songs.
Willie: Hence the term "musical."
ALF: Yeah, but wouldn't it get on your nerves if all of a sudden I started singing : "Hey, Kate, ain't it great? Hey, Willie, you look silly. Hey!"
Willie: It's getting on my nerves.
ALF: So what musical are you going to go see today?
Willie: "Cats."
ALF: Take me, please! Then afterwards, we can go backstage and eat the actors!

Dorothy: You don't have to make rude noises.
ALF: That's okay. I don't mind.

ALF: I'm on a new diet. I can eat as much of whatever I want.
Lynn: And you lose weight that way?
ALF: You do?

[Willie and Kate are debating on whether or not they should tell Kate's mother about ALF]
Willie: I suppose we just sit her down and ask her if she's ever seen E.T.?
ALF: Why do you keep comparing me to E.T.? You know, Willie, someday, when people ask me what you're like, I'll ask them "Did you ever see 'The Nutty Professor'?"

Willie: There's more than one way to skin a cat.
ALF: You've been looking at my recipe book.

[on a camping trip]
Willie: One more word out of you, and you're not eating with us.
ALF: Right. Let the alien starve.
Willie: I think the alien could skip a meal. It might be a new experience for you!
[pause]
Willie: How would you like your hamburger?
ALF: Medium rare. Hold the lightning.
Willie: How would you like to be 50% hair?
ALF: You know, you're a different person when you're on vacation.
Willie: I'm just trying to make this vacation fun.
ALF: How, by drowning us?
Willie: By trying to keep a positive attitude! You might do that yourself... INSTEAD OF COMPLAINING ALL THE TIME!
Kate: [annoyed] Guys, please.
ALF: Well, not everyone enjoys spending their vacation in a rainforest!
Willie: We're in this rainforest because of you!
ALF: I vote we go home.
Willie: You're not voting in this.
ALF: Call the newspapers! Democracy is dead!

Kate: What are you doing?
ALF: [with a sunlamp in front of his head] Oh, soaking up rays, Babe. Your sunlamp's not working. I've been sitting here for five hours, Nada.
Kate: Five hours? ALF, you're lucky you didn't get a sunburn.
ALF: [Kate touches him] Aaah!
Kate: Sorry.
ALF: Aah, oh, it hurts, it hurts.
Kate: Well, would you like some cold cream?
ALF: Yeah, but just one scoop, I'm on a diet.
Kate: It's for your nose.
ALF: That's where I'm trying to lose the weight.
Kate: ALF, I'm talking about cold cream. Not ice cream. Cold cream. You understand?
ALF: You're talking like they're two different things.
Kate: They *are*! Haven't you been listening?
ALF: What is this, healing through hollering?

Operator, this is an emergency... what's the number for 911?

Help, help, I'm stuck in the outhouse!

I learned one thing about eating jigsaw puzzles... An hour later, you're hungry again.

ALF: Never mind, I'll make a peanut butter sandwich, where's the blender?
Kate: Try it without the blender this time, and don't get hair in the peanut butter jar.

Look at this, they've got me wired for cable! Let's see, which was the button for a cheeseburger?

Great, a new baby! We'll raise him as our own.

ALF: [about Lucky] Last time I saw him he was high-tailing it out the window.
Willie: And why was that?
ALF: Cause I was chasing him with a fork.