Funny quotes
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It is more fun to talk with someone who doesn't use long, difficult words but rather short, easy words, like 'What about lunch?'

A. A. Milne

1

A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.

Joey Adams

1

Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town.

Steve Martin

1

Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get.

Mark Twain

3

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

Rodney Dangerfield

1

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

Groucho Marx

1

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Groucho Marx

1

Never have more children than you have car windows.

Erma Bombeck

2

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

Henny Youngman

2

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison — if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.

Milton Berle

1

I support gay marriage. I believe they have a right to be as miserable as the rest of us.

Kinky Friedman

1

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday'.

Steven Wright

1

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Steven Wright

1

I think of dieting, then I eat pizza.

Lara Stone

2

I have great faith in fools; self-confidence my friends call it.

Edgar Allan Poe

1

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.

Robert Frost

2

Never trust a husband too far, nor a bachelor too near.

Helen Rowland

2

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

Spike Milligan

1

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

Samuel Johnson

1

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

Mitch Hedberg

2
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