It is more fun to talk with someone who doesn't use long, difficult words but rather short, easy words, like 'What about lunch?'
A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.
Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town.
Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get.
My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
Never have more children than you have car windows.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
We owe a lot to Thomas Edison — if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.
I support gay marriage. I believe they have a right to be as miserable as the rest of us.
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday'.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
I think of dieting, then I eat pizza.
I have great faith in fools; self-confidence my friends call it.
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.
Never trust a husband too far, nor a bachelor too near.
All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.
When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.