Funny quotes
(page 2)
Doctors are the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.
If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.
Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
There are two things that are more difficult than making an after-dinner speech: climbing a wall which is leaning toward you and kissing a girl who is leaning away from you.
'Classic'. A book which people praise and don't read.
The factory of the future will have only two employees, a man and a dog. The man will be there to feed the dog. The dog will be there to keep the man from touching the equipment.
Oldtimers, weekends, and airplane landings are alike. If you can walk away from them, they're successful.
God works wonders now and then;
Behold a lawyer, an honest man.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Getting information off the Internet is like taking a drink from a fire hydrant.
Democracy is being allowed to vote for the candidate you dislike least.
The hardest thing to understand in the world is the income tax.
Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!'
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
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