Funny quotes
(page 3)
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.
He was a dreamer, a thinker, a speculative philosopher... or, as his wife would have it, an idiot.
Prohibition makes you want to cry into your beer and denies you the beer to cry into.
One of the most important things to remember about infant care is: don't change diapers in midstream.
Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can't sleep with the window open.
I don't mind how much my Ministers talk, so long as they do what I say.
'Do you pray for the senators, Dr. Hale?' No, I look at the senators and I pray for the country.
A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.
There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.
You know why divorces are so expensive? They're worth it.
I'm willing to admit that I may not always be right, but I am never wrong.
I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.
Every election is a sort of advance auction sale of stolen goods.
We would all like to vote for the best man but he is never a candidate.
Whoever said money can't buy happiness simply didn't know where to go shopping.
It's easier to be faithful to a restaurant than it is to a woman.
I'm an instant star. Just add water and stir.
Never lie when the truth is more profitable.
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