Funny quotes
(page 4)
I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.
ALF: [about Lucky] Last time I saw him he was high-tailing it out the window.
Willie: And why was that?
ALF: Cause I was chasing him with a fork.
[the cat Lucky has died and the Tanners are having a funeral for him]
ALF: I'm reminded of a prayer he used to recite every night before going to bed, "And if I die before I wake, chicken-fry me like a steak."
ALF: Kate, have I ever lied to you?
Kate: Yes. Several times.
ALF: I meant today.
All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.
I think of animals more as spirits that come and go. They enter our lives at a particular time and they leave at a particular time. The whole glorious history of animals with people is about joy and connection. It's about loving this creature and letting this creature love you.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
If there were no bad people, there would be no good lawyers.
Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory.
You can't keep changing men, so you settle for changing your lipstick.
By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.
All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
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