Funny quotes
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Whoever said money can't buy happiness simply didn't know where to go shopping.

Gertrude Stein

2

Hi, Dexter! Oooooo, what does this button do?

"Dexter's Laboratory"

1

I love mankind; it's people I can't stand.

Charles M. Schulz

1

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

George Burns

1

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

Jim Carrey

1

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

Jules Renard

1

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

Henny Youngman

1

There's only two people in your life you should lie to... the police and your girlfriend.

Jack Nicholson

1

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

Mark Twain

1

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

Mitch Hedberg

1

We are all mortal until the first kiss and the second glass of wine.

Eduardo Galeano

1

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Michel de Montaigne

1

Eating words has never given me indigestion.

Winston Churchill

1

There are two things that will be believed of any man whatsoever, and one of them is that he has taken to drink.

Booth Tarkington

1

I support gay marriage. I believe they have a right to be as miserable as the rest of us.

Kinky Friedman

1

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison — if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.

Milton Berle

1

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Groucho Marx

1

We would all like to vote for the best man but he is never a candidate.

Kin Hubbard

1

Every election is a sort of advance auction sale of stolen goods.

H. L. Mencken

1

I'm willing to admit that I may not always be right, but I am never wrong.

Samuel Goldwyn

1

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