Funny quotes
(page 4)
In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.
When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.
ALF: [about Lucky] Last time I saw him he was high-tailing it out the window.
Willie: And why was that?
ALF: Cause I was chasing him with a fork.
[the cat Lucky has died and the Tanners are having a funeral for him]
ALF: I'm reminded of a prayer he used to recite every night before going to bed, "And if I die before I wake, chicken-fry me like a steak."
ALF: Kate, have I ever lied to you?
Kate: Yes. Several times.
ALF: I meant today.
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.
Behind every successful man is a proud wife and a surprised mother-in-law.
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
If there were no bad people, there would be no good lawyers.
Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory.
You can't keep changing men, so you settle for changing your lipstick.
Christopher Columbus, as everyone knows, is honored by posterity because he was the last to discover America.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six.
Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.
All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
I have great faith in fools; self-confidence my friends call it.
Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town.
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