Funny quotes
(page 4)
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
Did you say I should get hair in the peanut butter, or I shouldn't?
I love mankind; it's people I can't stand.
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
There's only two people in your life you should lie to... the police and your girlfriend.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Eating words has never given me indigestion.
You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six.
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
I have great faith in fools; self-confidence my friends call it.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
I support gay marriage. I believe they have a right to be as miserable as the rest of us.
We owe a lot to Thomas Edison — if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.
I'm an instant star. Just add water and stir.
It's easier to be faithful to a restaurant than it is to a woman.
We would all like to vote for the best man but he is never a candidate.
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