Mitch Hedberg

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.