Funny quotes
(page 3)
I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
Pizza makes me think that anything is possible.
An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Adolescence is just one big walking pimple.
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday'.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
Never have more children than you have car windows.
Whoever said money can't buy happiness simply didn't know where to go shopping.
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Getting information off the Internet is like taking a drink from a fire hydrant.
To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
Doctors are the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.
This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read.
Anyone who thinks that they are too small to make a difference has never tried to fall asleep with a mosquito in the room.
Loading ...