Will Rogers

Democrats never agree on anything, that's why they're Democrats. If they agreed with each other, they would be Republicans.

Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.

Last year we said, 'Things can't go on like this', and they didn't, they got worse.

It isn't what we don't know that gives us trouble, it's what we know that ain't so.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.

Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don't have for something they don't need.

A man only learns in two ways, one by reading, and the other by association with smarter people.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

Don't let yesterday use up too much of today.

Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.

There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

It's not what you pay a man, but what he costs you that counts.

I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.

Make crime pay. Become a lawyer.

Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.