Funny quotes
(page 2)
I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
To be an ideal guest, stay at home.
I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.
Willie: There's more than one way to skin a cat.
ALF: You've been looking at my recipe book.
I learned one thing about eating jigsaw puzzles... An hour later, you're hungry again.
Take care of your body. It's the only place you have to live.
Rockefeller once explained the secret of success. 'Get up early, work late — and strike oil'.
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Adolescence is just one big walking pimple.
When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.
Never trust a husband too far, nor a bachelor too near.
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.
I think of dieting, then I eat pizza.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
Never have more children than you have car windows.
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