Funny quotes
(page 2)
When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.
How can anyone govern a nation that has two hundred and forty-six different kinds of cheese?
I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.
Willie: There's more than one way to skin a cat.
ALF: You've been looking at my recipe book.
I learned one thing about eating jigsaw puzzles... An hour later, you're hungry again.
Take care of your body. It's the only place you have to live.
Rockefeller once explained the secret of success. 'Get up early, work late — and strike oil'.
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.
Pizza makes me think that anything is possible.
An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.
When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.
Never trust a husband too far, nor a bachelor too near.
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.
I think of dieting, then I eat pizza.
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday'.
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