Funny quotes
(page 2)
Oldtimers, weekends, and airplane landings are alike. If you can walk away from them, they're successful.
The early bird gets the worm. The early worm... gets eaten.
Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.
Willie: There's more than one way to skin a cat.
ALF: You've been looking at my recipe book.
I learned one thing about eating jigsaw puzzles... An hour later, you're hungry again.
Rockefeller once explained the secret of success. 'Get up early, work late — and strike oil'.
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
Pizza makes me think that anything is possible.
An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Adolescence is just one big walking pimple.
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.
I think of dieting, then I eat pizza.
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday'.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
Never have more children than you have car windows.
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