Funny quotes
(page 2)
I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
To be an ideal guest, stay at home.
I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.
Take care of your body. It's the only place you have to live.
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.
An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Adolescence is just one big walking pimple.
When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.
Never trust a husband too far, nor a bachelor too near.
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday'.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
Never have more children than you have car windows.
'Do you pray for the senators, Dr. Hale?' No, I look at the senators and I pray for the country.
Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can't sleep with the window open.
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