Conan O’Brien

During last night's debate, John Kerry and John Edwards were so friendly to each other some political experts think that they may end up running together. In fact Kerry and Edwards were so friendly, President Bush accused them of planning a gay marriage.

One's dream is constantly evolving, rising and falling, changing course. This happens in every job, but because I have worked in comedy for twenty-five years, I can probably speak best about my own profession.

I always knew that it was going to be an uphill climb to replace Letterman from complete obscurity with no experience, but I think I had to go through it to know exactly what a titanic effort that was going to be.

In a prime-time address, President Bush said he backed limited federal funding for stem cell research. That's right, the President said, this is a quote, the research could help cure brain diseases like Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, and whatever it is I have.

Republicans have called for a National African-American Museum. The plan is being held up by finding a location that isn't in their neighborhood.

Every comedian dreams of hosting 'The Tonight Show' and, for seven months, I got to. I did it my way, with people I love, and I do not regret a second.

The results of a new study are out this week saying that New Jersey is one of the most livable states in the country. The study has a margin of error of 100 percent.

Early on, they were timing my contract with an egg timer.

Your path at 22 will not necessarily be your path at 32 or 42.

Fish recognize a bad leader.

I think the best thing I ever did was, years before I got the 'Late Night' show, when I first got out to Los Angeles to be a television writer, the first thing I did was I signed up to take improvisational classes... And I studied that for years, and I really loved it.

Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen.

Apparently Arnold was inspired by President Bush, who proved you can be a successful politician in this country even if English is your second language.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh'.

I hate cynicism — it's my least favorite quality and it doesn't lead anywhere.

I have an abacus at home.

Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!'

It's a good thing I was born in this century, when superfluous television seems to be part of the economy.

This Halloween, the most popular mask is the Arnold Schwarzenegger mask. And the best part? With a mouth full of candy you will sound just like him.

Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen.