Phyllis Diller

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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life.

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.