Funny quotes
(page 7)
ALF: [about Lucky] Last time I saw him he was high-tailing it out the window.
Willie: And why was that?
ALF: Cause I was chasing him with a fork.
[the cat Lucky has died and the Tanners are having a funeral for him]
ALF: I'm reminded of a prayer he used to recite every night before going to bed, "And if I die before I wake, chicken-fry me like a steak."
ALF: Kate, have I ever lied to you?
Kate: Yes. Several times.
ALF: I meant today.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.
Behind every successful man is a proud wife and a surprised mother-in-law.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
If there were no bad people, there would be no good lawyers.
Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory.
You can't keep changing men, so you settle for changing your lipstick.
Christopher Columbus, as everyone knows, is honored by posterity because he was the last to discover America.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.
All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town.
A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.
It is more fun to talk with someone who doesn't use long, difficult words but rather short, easy words, like 'What about lunch?'
Never lie when the truth is more profitable.
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