Funny quotes
(page 7)
I love mankind; it's people I can't stand.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
There's only two people in your life you should lie to... the police and your girlfriend.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
We are all mortal until the first kiss and the second glass of wine.
Eating words has never given me indigestion.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
I support gay marriage. I believe they have a right to be as miserable as the rest of us.
We owe a lot to Thomas Edison — if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.
We would all like to vote for the best man but he is never a candidate.
Every election is a sort of advance auction sale of stolen goods.
I'm willing to admit that I may not always be right, but I am never wrong.
You know why divorces are so expensive? They're worth it.
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!'
The hardest thing to understand in the world is the income tax.
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