Funny quotes
(page 6)
ALF: [about Lucky] Last time I saw him he was high-tailing it out the window.
Willie: And why was that?
ALF: Cause I was chasing him with a fork.
[the cat Lucky has died and the Tanners are having a funeral for him]
ALF: I'm reminded of a prayer he used to recite every night before going to bed, "And if I die before I wake, chicken-fry me like a steak."
ALF: Kate, have I ever lied to you?
Kate: Yes. Several times.
ALF: I meant today.
Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.
Behind every successful man is a proud wife and a surprised mother-in-law.
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory.
You can't keep changing men, so you settle for changing your lipstick.
Christopher Columbus, as everyone knows, is honored by posterity because he was the last to discover America.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six.
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
I have great faith in fools; self-confidence my friends call it.
A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.
It is more fun to talk with someone who doesn't use long, difficult words but rather short, easy words, like 'What about lunch?'
Never lie when the truth is more profitable.
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