Funny quotes
(page 5)
Did you say I should get hair in the peanut butter, or I shouldn't?
Behind every successful man is a proud wife and a surprised mother-in-law.
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
There's only two people in your life you should lie to... the police and your girlfriend.
Christopher Columbus, as everyone knows, is honored by posterity because he was the last to discover America.
Eating words has never given me indigestion.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six.
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
I have great faith in fools; self-confidence my friends call it.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
I support gay marriage. I believe they have a right to be as miserable as the rest of us.
Never lie when the truth is more profitable.
I'm an instant star. Just add water and stir.
It's easier to be faithful to a restaurant than it is to a woman.
We would all like to vote for the best man but he is never a candidate.
Every election is a sort of advance auction sale of stolen goods.
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