Funny quotes
(page 5)
Did you say I should get hair in the peanut butter, or I shouldn't?
I love mankind; it's people I can't stand.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
There's only two people in your life you should lie to... the police and your girlfriend.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
Eating words has never given me indigestion.
You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six.
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
I have great faith in fools; self-confidence my friends call it.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
I support gay marriage. I believe they have a right to be as miserable as the rest of us.
We owe a lot to Thomas Edison — if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.
I'm an instant star. Just add water and stir.
It's easier to be faithful to a restaurant than it is to a woman.
We would all like to vote for the best man but he is never a candidate.
Every election is a sort of advance auction sale of stolen goods.
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