My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.
Mitch Hedberg — quotes and aphorisms
This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.