Mitch Hedberg

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.