"ALF"
(page 6)

ALF: I wasn't known on Melmac as the whiz kid for my scholastic ability.

ALF: How about a hug for the ol' ALFer.

ALF: We only have ten major organs, eight of which are stomachs.
Willie: I would have guessed all ten.

[ALF and Lynn are trying to get their parents to stop fighting]
ALF: To get a couple back together on Melmac, we'd recreate the happiest moment of their marriage.
Lynn: I wonder what Mom and Dad's happiest moment was.
ALF: The day they met me?
Lynn: Think again.
ALF: The day after they met me.
Lynn: Keep thinking.
ALF: I can't. My brain hurts.

Brian: Your name's really Gordon?
ALF: Yeah, Gordon.
Brian: That's funny.
ALF: It was my mother's maiden name, all right?

ALF: [sings to the tune of Camptown Ladies] Uncle Neal has gone away, doodaa doodaa. I can eat out here today, all dooday long - Everybody. Gone the holy day...
Willie: ALF. I really don't appreciate that at all.
ALF: Okay, so do you wanna hear how I changed the words to Helter Skelter?

[the Tanners talk about ALF getting to know Willie's brother]
Lynn: He's a wonderful guy, with a terrific sense of humor.
ALF: I'm not gonna marry him, if that's what you're getting at.
Willie: You're meeting my brother, it's not the Pope.
ALF: I'd rather meet the Pope. I love his hats.

[ALF is determined to prove the man next door is Elvis Presley]
ALF: I can be logical if I have to. The man's name is Aaron King. Elvis' middle name was Aaron and he was king of Rock 'n' Roll.
Willie: I'm not convinced.
ALF: OK. How about this. Hank Aaron is baseball's home run king and Elvis loved baseball.
Willie: ALF, you are grasping at straws.
ALF: [shouts] OK. Listen to this. Aaron Burr wanted to be King of America and he was from the South, just like Elvis.

Willie: You can't vote, ALF , you're not a citizen.
ALF: I'll apply for a green card.
Willie: That's only if you want a job.
ALF: Pass.
[pause]
ALF: I know, I'll marry Lynn. Become a citizen, vote, then drop her of like a hot potato.
Willie: ALF...
ALF: Sure it will be hard on her first. She'll cry, drink a little too much. Join with a bongo player named Waquine.
Willie: ALF.
ALF: You'd like Waquine, he doesn't like beets.
Willie: Neither you or Waquine may marry my daughter and you may not vote.
ALF: Fine. I have not voice in government, Waquine will get deported, and they'll make him eat beets.
Willie: How many cups of coffee have you had?
ALF: Forty. Why?

ALF: Hey, Willie. Let's throw a cat on the barbie.

ALF: The only good cat is a stir-fried cat.

ALF: A ceremony doesn't have to be long to be effective. A Melmacian wedding contains a priest saying "You're hitched, go for it, babe."

Jake Ochmonek: Why do we have to wear meat at this ceremony anyway?
ALF: 'Cause the high priest on Melmac was also the butcher.

[Alf and Brian come out with two cans of something in their hand]
Kate: I said no soda pop.
Brian: It's not soda pop, it's beer.
ALF: [burps] You're about out of Coors!
Kate: What!? (grunts) Give those to me!
ALF: Hey, hey, careful his is still full!

ALF: Are you gonna throw a hissy fit every time I squander a couple thousand dollars?

ALF: Melmac was the name of my planet. It's also what it was made out of.

Willie: Isn't there anybody else you could bother?
ALF: We voted. You were the people's choice.

Lynn: Oh, Alf. What are we gonna do with you?
ALF: I guess you'll have to love me as long as it lasts.
Lynn: We will.

[about ALF's "car"]
Lynn: What's that thing?
ALF: It's not a thing. It's an ALF Romeo.

Army officer: Mrs. Tanner?
Kate: Yes, who are you?
Army officer: I am Captain Blackstone of the Alien Task Force, an adjunct of Edwards Air Force Base. Have you seen an alien with orange fur, three feet tall, with a big nose?
Kate: What would be done to the creature?
Army officer: Our usual tests. Intense heat, freezing cold, injections with different toxins, and finally, dissection.
Kate: Why don't you just rip its toenails off while you are at it?
Army officer: Oh yes, that too. Well, I am going to assume you do not know what I am talking about. Good day, Mrs. Tanner.
Kate: Sir, who told you that we saw space aliens?
Army officer: I am sorry M'aam but that is classified information. As such, the informant must remain ochmononek - I mean anonymous.