Erma Bombeck

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.

Children make your life important.

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.

Never have more children than you have car windows.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.

For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.

Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.

I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years'.

There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.

Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.

Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, 'A house guest', you're wrong because I have just described my kids.

Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.