Joan Rivers

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

My mother loved entertaining, and I've followed suit, so we have big celebrations for New Year, Passover, Thanksgiving and birthdays.

I'm always shocked when I get an invitation. People are always shocked when they see me at a party.

You've gotta understand — when you interview someone, it's not an interrogation. It's not the Nuremberg Trials.

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.

I walk on a stage, and I know if it's been a good show or not. You know when it's been a good interview. No one has to tell you. You know it. You feel it. You can feel the air. You can feel everything about it when it's a good show. And you know when you've messed up.

I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.

I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent.

My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus — that way, I'd visit him every day.

If you're saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it, that's acting.

Trust me, there's not one night a week I'm not in a theater somewhere. I adore theater, and I go out with friends, so I do have some nights off.

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep'.

I just get such a connection from an audience. You play with them. I get mad at them. I yell at them. They yell at me. It's just fun.

Boy George is all England needs — another queen who can't dress.

I hate reality shows that are not reality.

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.