Joan Rivers

I walk on a stage, and I know if it's been a good show or not. You know when it's been a good interview. No one has to tell you. You know it. You feel it. You can feel the air. You can feel everything about it when it's a good show. And you know when you've messed up.

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.

I hate reality shows that are not reality.

Boy George is all England needs — another queen who can't dress.

I just get such a connection from an audience. You play with them. I get mad at them. I yell at them. They yell at me. It's just fun.

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep'.

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

Trust me, there's not one night a week I'm not in a theater somewhere. I adore theater, and I go out with friends, so I do have some nights off.

You've gotta understand — when you interview someone, it's not an interrogation. It's not the Nuremberg Trials.

If you're saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it, that's acting.

My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus — that way, I'd visit him every day.

I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent.

I'm always shocked when I get an invitation. People are always shocked when they see me at a party.

My mother loved entertaining, and I've followed suit, so we have big celebrations for New Year, Passover, Thanksgiving and birthdays.

I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.