Joan Rivers

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I walk on a stage, and I know if it's been a good show or not. You know when it's been a good interview. No one has to tell you. You know it. You feel it. You can feel the air. You can feel everything about it when it's a good show. And you know when you've messed up.

Joan Rivers

2

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.

Joan Rivers

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My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.

Joan Rivers

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I hate reality shows that are not reality.

Joan Rivers

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Boy George is all England needs — another queen who can't dress.

Joan Rivers

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I just get such a connection from an audience. You play with them. I get mad at them. I yell at them. They yell at me. It's just fun.

Joan Rivers

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Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep'.

Joan Rivers

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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

Joan Rivers

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Trust me, there's not one night a week I'm not in a theater somewhere. I adore theater, and I go out with friends, so I do have some nights off.

Joan Rivers

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You've gotta understand — when you interview someone, it's not an interrogation. It's not the Nuremberg Trials.

Joan Rivers

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If you're saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it, that's acting.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers — quotes and aphorisms

My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus — that way, I'd visit him every day.

Joan Rivers

1

I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent.

Joan Rivers

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I'm always shocked when I get an invitation. People are always shocked when they see me at a party.

Joan Rivers

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My mother loved entertaining, and I've followed suit, so we have big celebrations for New Year, Passover, Thanksgiving and birthdays.

Joan Rivers

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I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.

Joan Rivers

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Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

Joan Rivers

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