W. C. Fields

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.

I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.

I like children — fried.

I'd like to see Paris before I die... Philadelphia will do.

Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.

Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.

I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.