W. C. Fields
You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.
I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.
I like children — fried.
I'd like to see Paris before I die... Philadelphia will do.
Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?
Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.
Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.
W. C. Fields — quotes and aphorisms
Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.
I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.
Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.