W. C. Fields

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You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

W. C. Fields

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Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.

W. C. Fields

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I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

W. C. Fields

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The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.

W. C. Fields

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Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.

W. C. Fields

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I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.

W. C. Fields

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I like children — fried.

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I'd like to see Paris before I die... Philadelphia will do.

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Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?

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Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.

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Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.

W. C. Fields

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W. C. Fields — quotes and aphorisms

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

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If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.

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I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.

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Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

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A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

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Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

W. C. Fields

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