Phyllis Diller

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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.