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Emo Philips

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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.

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My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.

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When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

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I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

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Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.

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Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.

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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

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