Johnny Carson

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Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

I am one of the lucky people in the world: I found something I always wanted to do, and I have enjoyed every single minute of it.