Mark Twain
(page 8)

All right, then, I'll go to hell.

As an example to others, and not that I care for moderation myself, it has always been my rule never to smoke when asleep, and never to refrain from smoking when awake.

Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.

Facts are stubborn things, but statistics are more pliable.

Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.

I have a higher and grander standard of principle than George Washington. He could not lie; I can, but I won't.

Just the omission of Jane Austen's books alone would make a fairly good library out of a library that hadn't a book in it.

Most people are bothered by those passages of Scripture they do not understand, but the passages that bother me are those I do understand.

My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.

Time cools, time clarifies; no mood can be maintained quite unaltered through the course of hours.

He had discovered a great law of human action, without knowing it - namely, that in order to make a man or a boy covet a thing, it is only necessary to make the thing difficult to obtain.

Sane and intelligent human beings are like all other human beings, and carefully and cautiously and diligently conceal their private real opinions from the world and give out fictitious ones in their stead for general consumption.

The report of my death was an exaggeration.

An enemy can partly ruin a man, but it takes a good-natured injudicious friend to complete the thing and make it perfect.