Mark Twain
(page 7)

A round man cannot be expected to fit in a square hole right away. He must have time to modify his shape.

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt.

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.

Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't.

Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.

I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting.

I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him.

In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their language.

Let us so live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.

New Orleans food is as delicious as the less criminal forms of sin.

Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody.

We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world; and its efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don't know anything and can't read.

We have not the reverent feeling for the rainbow that a savage has, because we know how it is made. We have lost as much as we gained by prying into that matter.

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.

Loyalty to petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul.

Optimist: day dreamer more elegantly spelled.

All right, then, I'll go to hell.