Mark Twain
(page 6)

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

An Englishman is a person who does things because they have been done before. An American is a person who does things because they haven't been done before.

Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't.

Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.

Habit is habit and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time.

Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it.

In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their language.

It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.

It is easier to stay out than get out.

New Orleans food is as delicious as the less criminal forms of sin.

The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.

Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody.

We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world; and its efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don't know anything and can't read.

When in doubt, tell the truth.