Mark Twain
(page 4)

When you cannot get a compliment any other way pay yourself one.

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.

When people do not respect us we are sharply offended; yet deep down in his private heart no man much respects himself.

When in doubt, tell the truth.

When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not.

We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world; and its efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don't know anything and can't read.

Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody.

Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.

Truth is more of a stranger than fiction.

Time cools, time clarifies; no mood can be maintained quite unaltered through the course of hours.

There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.

There are people who strictly deprive themselves of each and every eatable, drinkable, and smokable which has in any way acquired a shady reputation. They pay this price for health. And health is all they get for it. How strange it is. It is like paying out your whole fortune for a cow that has gone dry.

The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself.

The universal brotherhood of man is our most precious possession.

The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause.

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.

The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.

The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.

The best way to cheer yourself is to try to cheer someone else up.

Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.