You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
What a world. It could be so wonderful if it wasn't for certain people.
Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.
Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Woody Allen — quotes and aphorisms
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
Death doesn't really worry me that much, I'm not frightened about it... I just don't want to be there when it happens.