Lewis Black

I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.

Basically I wake up in the morning and I think everything's going to be great. I'm really kind of optimistic, and I look forward to a new day. I pick up 'The New York Times', and I look at the front page and realize that once again I'm wrong. I start to fixate on stuff.

When a country wants television more than they want clean water, they've lost their grip.

You look at my audience, and it proves what Congress thinks America is, is wrong. I get people across the political spectrum. Parents and kids come and they're all punked out, and there are these other guys in John Deere caps.

Online, there's no time. It's always Christmas.

I'm a happy person but an angry citizen.

The worst thing about Halloween is, of course, candy corn. It's unbelievable to me. Candy corn is the only candy in the history of America that's never been advertised. And there's a reason. All of the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. And so, since nobody eats that stuff, every year there's a ton of it left over.

Do you know what 'meteorologist' means in English? It means liar.

You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I'm concerned.

My parents are the last of the middle class. My father worked for the government designing sea mines. My mother was a substitute teacher. Together, they worked really only until they were sixty.