Bill Vaughan

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.

By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.

The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.

We hope that, when the insects take over the world, they will remember with gratitude how we took them along on all our picnics.

The tax collector must love poor people, he's creating so many of them.

A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election.

Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man's lifetime income — which he then spends sending his son to college.

If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity.

People learn something every day, and a lot of times it's that what they learned the day before was wrong.

In the game of life, it's a good idea to have a few early losses, which relieves you of the pressure of trying to maintain an undefeated season.