Demetri Martin
I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.
More quotes and aphorisms
I do not want people to be very agreeable...A leader in the Democratic Party is a boss...I don't think being beautiful takes away...Mail your packages early so the post office can lose...Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing...Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism...
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